Hello and welcome to the Night Terrors. My name is Tink and I’ll be your Training Elder. I’ll be going over the basics tonight and your job is to watch, learn and take notes. You have been through orientation so you have all the information on our job and its traditions? Good. Let me just say, I have been with the company for well over one hundred years so you can ask me anything and I will have an answer. Okay then, shall we get started? What? My name? No it’s the same name I have carried for the duration of my employment with the Night Terrors. You will get your own name after you complete your training and progress into the next phase. No, Recruits never have names, it’s against company policy. A name tag? No, we don’t have those. It would be counterproductive to what we do. I don’t believe there is a suggestion box anywhere. These types of questions should really wait for when we’re done here and back at the office. Right now we need to focus on the job itself. I know I said that but I really meant any questions about what we are doing right now, not all this other stuff. Those are questions better asked of NTR. I’m sorry you feel that way but I’m a Scare-along Trainer, not part of the Night Terror Resources Department. Let’s put this argument aside for now and just get through the task at hand, shall we? I think we can agree on that much at least. Yes? Good.
First things first, you need to pull your hair over your face. A little more. Yes, it’s company policy that all Night Terror’s have their hair appropriately draped in their eyes. It’s a big part of what makes us so terrifying. It may seem petty to you but it’s part of the job and when you punch out in the morning you can push it right back. Hair is a job standard as well as an expectation. That’s much better, thank you. Now, could you pull your shadow out a bit? A little more. Long and lean is the way the to go. Don’t worry, it takes a while to get your shadow to cooperate and become truly ominous but over time it will develop. You’ll have to work at it. My shadow? Mine is very flexible and stretches out quite a ways but I have been working with my shadow for over a century. Peter who? Oh, yeah, he was one of the leaders in shadow work. We really don’t talk about him. He took the business in a different direction from where we are now. I really can’t advise removing your shadow completely like that. Seldom can you regain full control of your shadow once you have detached it from yourself. Our goal here is to have ultimate control of it. Watch me. Oops, sorry about that. Shhhhh, don’t cry like that. It was just a demonstration of what you can achieve with a little work and determination. Really, you need to get that crying under control. That’s better. Uh, okay, yeah, your sleeve is fine. You’ll need to be sure to drop your cloak off at Wardrobe to be cleaned. Better now? Good. Let’s get to work.
See that light swtich over there? Yeah, I know it’s hard to see because of the door slats but it’s right there, next to the blue lamp that looks like Dr. Seuss threw up on it. See it? No, to the left. Farther left. Oh for Night’s sake! Do I have to walk over there and touch it so you can find it? Light switches haven’t changed so drastically in fifty years that you can’t spot one at ten feet. It’s right there! Um… what are you doing? Smartphones aren’t allowed on the job. You need to put that away right now. I’m certain your orientation materials included the sheet of Do’s and Don’ts and your Smartphone was listed under Don’t, right before the part about taking Selfies while on the job. Oh, it’ll only take a second? My bad! I’ll just sit over here under this granny square of a top and wait for you to finish playing. It’s only our job we’re talking about. I guess being exposed to the light due to the incriminating glow of your Smartphone won’t be so bad. After all, it’s just vaporization we’re talking about. How much pain could that possibly cause? You’re right, I am totally over-reacting here.
Are you finished? One more? No, I’m not going to get in the shot with you! Stop that! I will not make duck lips with you for MonsterBook. Get that phone out of my face! We have a job to do here! I need you to stop playing and focus on our Mark. The Dark Hour is almost here and we have things to go over yet. We’re running out of time. For Night’s sake! Put your damn phone away and pay attention!
What are you doing now? You can’t make calls while you’re on the job. Did you even go to orientation? Give me that phone! Oh hell no! You did not just swat me! That’s enough! Put that phone away right now and pay attention or I’m going straight back to NTR and writing you up for insubordination. What? Get that phone away from me, I’m not telling you again. Who wants to talk to me? WHAT? Oh for Night’s sake! Give me that.
Hello? Yes ma’am, we’re on the job together. It’s not going well ma’am, the Recruit is too busy taking selfies and playing on her phone to pay attention. She isn’t listening to m…. Huh? What do you mean? With all due respect ma’am we’re sitting in the closet right now. The Dark Hour is almost here and we haven’t even gotten past the light switch. What! How is this a reflection on me? I see. Well ma’am, my training methods are the exact same ones that we have all been using for the last one hundred and thirty-eight years. I believe them to be highly effective. Uh huh… well, if you want the method’s changed then you need to update the training manual so all the Elders will be doing the same thing. Ma’am? I see… tolerance. Uh huh. And sensitivity training? I told her the thing with my shadow was an accident. I was just demonstrating what can be accomplished with a little practice. Of course, ma’am, I will not do it again. Okay then. Oh, one more thing before you go? Yes. Since the Dark Hour is in thirty seconds I just want to say that it has been a pleasure working for your company all these years and that I will certainly miss my job. What do I mean? Well, the glow from this smartphone and our continued conversation has attracted the attention of the Mark and she is walking toward her closet door right now. Yes ma’am. Thank you. I’m sure vaporization due to exposure to light will be excruciating also. Yes ma’am. Oh, and check on MonsterBook, the Recruit’s last, elevated, duck lip, selfie will be there. You may want to show it to her family when they come to collect her things. Yes ma’am, that’s me, always thinking. Goodbye now.